Why We Need: Confidence
“We do not so much need the help of our friends, as we do the confidence of their help in need.” Epicurus
If you’re at least as old as I am, it’s probably difficult to hear the phrase “confidence is…” and not have Jack Palance’s voice echoing somewhere in the back of your brain.
A testament to Madison Avenue’s influence on my childhood, to be sure.
Not to be outdone, Hollywood has just as strong a claim, demonstrated by the fact that when I think of confident celebrities, right behind sports stars like Mr. October, Montana, and MJ is none other than that archetypal symbol of cinematic self-assurance: George McFly.
From a groveling subordinate at the beginning of the tale, to a suave and successful self-made man in the end, George is utterly transformed by “the butterfly effect” of his son’s time-travel odyssey, which accidentally instills a dose of self-esteem into an otherwise timid teenager at just the right moment. Once he realizes he can stand up to the bully, it becomes a habit that changes the trajectory of his life, his family, his entire community.
Confidence is…very sci-fi, with apologies to the men’s personal care industry.
The McFly journey from slacker to superstar captures something many of us have experienced, a phenomenon that can occur in almost every area of life: the belief that once we’ve done something, we can do it again. Whether it’s punching your first bully, finishing your first race, landing your first client, closing your first deal, or making it through your first [insert particular type of crisis]—once we’ve done something, we believe we can replicate the feat.
It’s why experience is so crucial in times of testing. Someone who’s previously prevailed in crunch time can say in the huddle: “Let’s go…we’ve got this…we’ve been in this position before, and we can get it done again.”
We come to believe that confidence brashly says, to quote Keyshawn, “just give me the damn ball!” Why? Because we’ve been thrown the metaphorical pigskin before, and have caught it—often with noteworthy results.
To be (or not to be) confident, we think, is to believe in one’s own ability based upon past performance.
But what if it’s not?
To really understand confidence—and why it’s so valuable—it helps to look at related terms. Words like confide, confidant, confidential, confidentiality…these begin to broaden our perspective, taking the concept out of simply self-assurance and into the realm of trust. Of belief in the reliability of someone outside of self.
This is borne out by the elements of the word, which is derived from the Latin confidentia, meaning “to have full trust or reliance in another”. It’s formed through the combination of com- (“with, together”) and fidere (“to trust”).
English words with the same root, interestingly, are terms like fiduciary and fidelity, both meaning “trustworthiness” or “a trustworthy relationship”. It’s why the pain of in-fidelity is so deep…it is the loss of trust and security in that most intimate of relationships.
It also highlights the difference between “a confidence” (something shared privately) and “a secret” (from a Latin root meaning “to divide”). The former, something that strengthens trust and unites; the latter, something that separates and divides.
All of this helps us understand the true nature of confidence: it is inherently relational, and it grows through time-tested—and, hence, increasingly trustworthy—relationships. Confidence, it turns out, is more about belief in others than it is belief in ourself.
And that could be game-changing for us.
Because while self-assurance might believe we’ll make the catch when the ball is thrown our way, it does nothing by itself to foster the belief that our team will actually be victorious. Only confidence—“together trusting” others—believes that someone else will make the call, the throw, the block, the kick, the tackle that are all necessary to win the game.
Indeed, it could be, in this analysis, that “self-confidence” is an oxymoron, and more akin to self-importance…or, worse, merely a form of self-delusion.
But to live like a son is to live in abiding confidence.
A son always trusts, always believes that he is seen and known. That he is covered. That no matter what crisis or conflict arises, he will be supported and defended. That he has access to both present resources as well as a prepared inheritance. He boldly proclaims that promises will be kept by One who is always faithful.
And that son is the one who will lead like a father, in whom others will rejoice that they can place their confidence, their trust, that come what may, he will faithfully show up, reach out, and invest in the ones in his care.
This is our calling: to be present, to be faithful, to be true. And in so doing, to be a vessel of the redemption that a good Father is already preparing.
In that, we can be confident.
“Therefore let us draw near with confidence to the throne of grace, so that we may receive mercy and find grace to help in time of need.” Hebrews 4:16